Monday, November 28, 2005

What's in a Label?

I've just eaten a mini-pack of Chips Ahoy cookies, noting as I finished that the foil packaging contained the following line:

"Real Chocolate Chip Cookies"

I was disappointed and promptly stuck my finger down my throat.

For really I'd been lusting all afternoon to rip open a pack of cookies only to find slabs of raw bacon.

I'd ask Nabisco what sort of lawsuit and resulting court injunction made it necessary for them to add such a disclaimer, but I don't think I really want to know.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Beginnings...

Just because an idea starts off well doesn’t mean it will continue as such. Look at the Universe, for example. Brilliant beginning with so much potential. Now everything's turned to shit

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Dress Your Food

My huge following of readers, a legion now numbering in the tens of millions, has asked me for a favor. See, I provide a service here. Without me, you'd never have known that Columbus was a genocidal maniac, that laptop computers are a type of spermicide and that square burgers simply taste better. Over the last few weeks, I've been asked more times than I can count on one finger to discuss the intricate world of condiments and how one chooses properly when dressing his dish.

So, I hereby present to you a brief essay that will absolutely and without a doubt change life for everyone on this planet. Or, failing that, will upset some people.

Condiments and when to use them:

Mayonnaise : Mayo is good. It's got egg in it, so it's sort of like breakfast without the morning erection. It can convert dry things, such as sandwiches, burnt meat, and human cadavers, into succulent juicy entrees even your grandma will enjoy. It's not for everyone though. People named Bill, for example, don't like mayonnaise. So watch out, because for mayonnaise every day is halloween and it may be cleverly disguised. You can find it in salad dressing, tartar sauce, and in your pants.

Ketchup : Ketchup is a condiment used mostly by people who live in trailer parks or drive Winnebagos. But be warned that you'll never find Heinz there as most of these people change the name of their ketchup to Cletus, Jed or Bubba-Ray. But despite all that, the truth is ketchup is good, so instead of just calling every ketchup user a white-trash, wife-beating, turtle-necking, Brazilian-kangaroo-shaver, we need to set aside some rules as to when it's okay for the rest of us to use ketchup. There are really only two: (1) with french fries and hot dogs, (2) at baseball games.

Mustard : Mustard has five things going for it: it covers up the taste of ketchup and it's yellow.

Relish : There's a sad story behind this poor condiment. A nice pickle was on his way to the track one day. He was whistling to himself and having a dill of a time when all of a sudden out of nowhere came the milkman.

Lettuce : There are two types of lettuce. There's the kind that tastes good but is mostly water and therefore has no nutritional content. Then there's the kind that tastes like chainsaw grease and gives you herpes.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Of Square Tastes

While 99% of established burger joints are still stuck in the 4th century with their silly round burger patties, Wendy's has made a leap into the future with the revolutionary square patty. While I may be alone in this, I think there's something rather zesty about a square piece of meat. For my money there's nothing on this earth that beats the taste of a nice freshly cut ninety-degree angle.

An added benefit of course is that there's less waste. It's true. See, when you cut a bunch of round shapes from a slab of meat, you've got all those leftover bits from between the circles. Square patties on the other hand come out in perfect little rows, all side by side like those bastard Germans at Nuremberg.

Relish the moment! Not only are we ushering in an age of bigger tastier burgers, we're also looking at the solution to end all famine everywhere, and quite possibly a way to get rid of the Germans once and for all. *

As a peek into the future, fast food companies are hopping onto the geometrical bandwagon. Expect before too long the dodecahedron cheeseburger, pyramid shaped pickle slices, and best of all, a two-dimensional french fry. From one side it looks big and fat and full of engine grease, and from the other side, doesn't.

* There's nothing wrong with Germans. **

** Wait a second. What I meant was aside from the Holocaust, the destruction of religious freedom, and banning Chick Corea from concert there's nothing wrong with the Germans. Better. ***

*** Seriously, there's nothing wrong with the Germans. I'm part German myself and would never say anything bad about them. This is all just for fun. It falls under my right to freely express myself here in America. You know if you do that in Germany they hook you up to a car battery? Oh, I did it again.

Monday, March 14, 2005

When DNA Goes Awry

There's a lady I work with who's built like an icebox. And if this particular icebox has big game or human cadavers kept in it, all the better. She's too tall, too wide, and doesn't have ankles. And she's got a hairy face, but not the kind with soft regular human hair. It's weird, pokey, wirey hair of all varying lengths. I imagine her plucking them, one at a time, "I don't like you (PLUCK!), but you three, mmmmm, you can stay a while." Her chin looks like a diseased and dying rodent.

Then there's her skin, which does't seem to quite fit. It looks like the surface of the moon, only made from bleached watermelon. She's entirely inhuman, and I expect the rumors about Bigfoot got their start when she was out for a weekend camping trip with her family in the Pacific Northwest.

And when she talks to me I want to die. I want to die painfully in a fiery and violent explosion.

Her : "Hey Charlie, how are you today?"

Me : "I'm fine, thanks for as--"

"I'm reading that book."

"What book?"

"Did you see that show about roller coasters last night?"

"No, I don't watch--"

"It's a great book. The author's dead, though."

"Swell, maybe I'll pick it up sometime."

"You know he's coming here, right?"

"I thought he was dead."

"Henry's dead?"

That's when things are going well, but usually they're much much worse. I try so hard to keep up, to keep the conductor on her train of thought from kicking me square in the nuts, but it's no use. Her mind is like an antfarm. Full of motion and activity which have no real purpose, with hundreds of paths all of which lead absolutely nowhere. All you can do is look on with curiosity and feed it from time to time.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

They Always Come Back

To my millions of adoring fans, I owe you an apology. As you all know and as has been reported on CNN, the Nightly News, and even Letterman, I haven't written a word on this blog since Christmas. Christmas 2004, I mean, not when Jesus was born. I'd like to say I took some time off to hone my writing skills, to write pages of new material with which to entertain my legions, or to spend time with my new publisher who's given me a $4,000,000 four-book deal. I'd like say that but it would all be hash. I've done nothing of the sort.

The truth of the matter is I've taken up farming. This in itself is not so much of a problem as the fact that I live in Seattle, own no property, and have nothing to grow. I've got no tractor, no field, and other than a retarded cat that actually enjoys running head first into walls, no animals. I don't even own a shovel and wouldn't know how to use one if I did.

But I'm back now, just in time to not write again for months. But that's how you like it, right? You wake up every morning and the first thought on your mind is, "I wonder if Sorry has posted." More than likely I have not, but that's what keeps you going, day-to-day, week-to-week. It's the faint glimmer of hope that the seas of tripe and hours of ennui through which you wallow will melt away in a glorious light shining down from the firmament. And there, in the light, like a bowl of cereal from Jesus, will be a post from Sorry to fill your life with mirth once again.

But not likely.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Here comes Santy!

I've got an idea...

Now you're sucked in aren't you? I may not have an idea at all, but now you have to find out. I should have been in marketing.

It's the holidays, right? People everywhere are caring and giving and generally being swell to one another by not running too many red lights, or at least not giving the finger when they do. Santa is on the way and everyone bundles up in bright fuzzy sweaters with funny dangly bits to keep warm. It's generally a real nice time to be alive. Younger kids are being good to keep on Santa's "Nice" list. Older kids, knowing the truth about Santa, are still being good to keep on their parents' nice list. And kids a little older than that are being super good because they just got caught smoking pot at school and don't want to receive an amputation courtesy of their irate father for Christmas. The Salvation Army bell ringers are out at the department stores helping mankind by getting donations for the needy, and the rest of us are doing our part to help mankind by not killing all the Salvation Army bell ringers who, let's face it, are bloody annoying with those damn bells.

This is a great time to practice your religious tolerance as well. Christians celebrate on Christmas proper, do their midnight Mass, and call it a year. The Jews do things a little different and have, instead of Christmas, eight days of Hanukah. They also have menorahs, a fancy Hebrew word meaning "huge fucking candle holders." Then there's the Jehovah's Witnesses who not only don't celebrate at all, but pretend that absolutely nothing out of the ordinary is happening, which sort of makes you wonder how good they really are as witnesses. Regardless, members of all these different religions pass each other on the streets and smile and wave at each other in mutual goodwill as if to say, "While I think your religion sucks ass, I really appreciate that you're trying."

Then you've got what appears to be the majority of Americans who for whatever reason aren't necessarily religiously orthodox but celebrate Christmas anyway. They may be undecided about the panoply of religious options or just indifferent about what occurred that night in Bethlehem, but one thing they know for sure is that having a whole day off to get a bunch of free shit is a bloody great idea.

Which brings me to my point...try to use these folks as an example and be nice to each other. I know, novel idea, right? Exercise some tolerance and goodwill this season. Remember that opinions make this world go 'round and if everyone's were the same, it'd be bloody boring. Whatever your religious beliefs, show respect to your fellow humans. And if they don't show respect in return, just suck it up, put a smile on your face and give 'em the finger.